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Lessons Learned…

adrmomandablog

There’s no way to get through this past year without some introspection…. I mean, we all learned something, or gained something different.  It’s hard to come through  a global pandemic unchanged.  The world we live in certainly changed forever, some good some bad but most likely changes that were going to happen and they were just accelerated.  As I continue to reflect on this past year, I wanted to share my key take aways and how I’ve changed/changing…

  1. Tomorrow is not promised….this has obviously always been true but when your son’s bar mitzvah ceremony gets smaller and smaller until it’s finally canceled and just viewed on zoom it really puts things in perspective.  So many activities that we take for granted were simply gone.  School, sports, even the beaches and hiking trails was forbidden for a few months.  This all made me have a whole new appreciation for all the daily activities I take for granted.  I will never again complain about my kids playing in a weekend long tournament (ok, maybe I will, but I will appreciate it at the same time!)
  2. No More FOMO… I used to be the person that had to be at everything, even if I didn’t want to go, I needed to go. I needed to be in the know!!!  Now, I’m really happy just being home with my hubby, kids and dog.  I was a little anxious about the few invites we have gotten since the world has opened up!!  So unlike me!  But, I’m appreciating the idea of slowing down and truly not having plans.  My husband would make fun of me because I had to fill every waking minute with something, even if it was downtime I had to make sure we scheduled downtime (you feel me?) But now I’m learning the art and beauty of no plans, of saying no to plans, of not having to fill every waking moment with….something!
  3. Happiness is an inside job…..I was on a very long and very tumultuous covid emotional coaster.  So many “tough” days.  I seeked professional help and just tried really hard to get myself out of it.  It was not easy.  I really tried to analyze why I felt so low;  I was safe, we had an income, I was able to stay home with the kids but still work, we were all healthy….so many great things in my life despite the pandemic.  I almost felt like there was something wrong with me for feeling so down.  But emotions are emotions and we don’t always get to choose the ones we feel.  Here is what I discovered, happiness has to come from within or else it’s just way too elusive.  I realized that my pre-covid life kept me so busy I didn’t really have time to analyze my feelings.  I was counting on outside events to make me happy, which is ok accept when all of those events are canceled and you can’t meet your friends for mom nights anymore! I realized that I’m blessed to have friends that fill my soul and events that fill my calendar, but I simply cannot count on those things.  Happiness IS an inside job.  No person or event (even a global pandemic) should have the power to take that away from us.  It doesn’t mean that we don’t feel sorrow, it doesn’t mean we walk around with a smile plastered on our face no matter what happens.  It just simply means we feel an inner peace with ourselves, that we are happy to just be ourselves regardless of what or who is around us.
  4. Everything I need is inside my home (and in my heart) ….It’s a good thing I like my family or else quarantining would have really sucked!!! Yes, we all were hoping for a little more alone time, a small escape to somewhere other than the bathroom.  But it really emphasized the importance of family and time together.  I know we will always fondly remember our game nights and movie nights (watching the entire Star Wars series)  Family is truly so important and those of that were lucky enough to be locked up with them developed special bonds for sure. 
  5. A new appreciation for staying in gratitude….truly, just so blessed to have been in good health and safe in a home with people I loved.  So much gratitude for the every day mundane.  At one point, I remember writing in my gratitude journal that I was grateful for stocked shelves and no lines at Trader Joe’s and I completely meant it!!  Living a life in gratitude for the everyday simple things….yes please!

I’d love to hear your take aways from this past year?

Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.

-Robert Brault

mental health, Uncategorized

Finding Happiness

adrmomandablog

I really thought that by the time I hit my forties I had it all figured out. I was done with the bullshit, little things wouldn’t bother me anymore. I was ready to be the real me, take it or leave it. I had found my inner zen; I was more confident and more secure. Well, that was sort of …maybe true…or…maybe not.

When Covid hit my initial reaction was a bit of disbelief and then shock and finally grief. Mostly because of some big milestones that weren’t going to happen, at least not the way we imagined. And as time went on the reality sunk in. I was sad, lonely and isolated. A a physician I was scared by the unknown and the loss of so many lives. I tried hard to justify my feelings, to normalize them, to name them. And then one day, I just couldn’t do it anymore… I couldn’t positive my way out of it, I couldn’t see the bright side. This feeling of anxiety grew within me, fear and doubt took a bigger and bigger hold of my heart than I would ever normally allow.

I am familiar with depression, anxiety, and other mental health disorders as an observer, not as someone who suffered from it. But I was in the throws of it and needed to get out. But I didn’t know how. My thoughts went from numbing the feelings by numbing my brain (watching mindless TV mostly), talking to friends and family (venting), considering a therapist (asked for recommendations but never saw one), or hiring a life coach (didn’t hire one, but a dear friend/coach offered me support). The best way I can describe how I got out of what I was feeling is being in a deep, dark hole full of loose dirt and climbing out, sometimes slipping, but not giving up, until I saw a flicker of light. And I kept climbing and climbing. (Some days I still am.)

What Covid made me realize is that the happiness and contentment that I knew needed to be found within me was something I had lost because I took it for granted. And when the world was open I didn’t miss it’s presence because I filled it’s place with So. Many. Other. Things!!! But the quarantine left a void and it got quickly filled with negativity, with people bringing me down, with fear, and with anxiety.


I really want to make clear that although I came out of it without a lot of outside help, I know that for many people diagnosed with a mental health disorder just telling them to “crawl out of the hole” and “be positive” is not necessarily the answer. There is true value in professional psychiatric and behavioral help and at times medication. I do not want to minimize that.

I’m sharing my story, to say that we all need reminders that true happiness lies within us. That we can’t let the business of our lives make us forget that. That although being quarantined is hard, I should be able to find contentment within me, not from positive attention from the outside world. I learned that I must find joy in the everyday mundane tasks. I discovered the true importance of gratitude and that we must look for things to be grateful for ALL THE TIME. I learned that my mind like my body cannot be ignored. I need to feed it with positivity ALL THE TIME. I learned that no matter my age, I will continue to treat my inner happiness as a fragile newborn that needs to be attended to and never ignored. I learned the value of true inner peace. A lesson I do not take lightly and hope to never have to relearn.

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”
Mahatma Gandhi

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Grasping Our New Reality

adrmomandablog

I still wake up every morning and check my reality.  For a second I think it’s all a dream and I’m going to get up, get ready and get the kids up and ready for school….and then it hits me.  My new reality.  We are on  lockdown in our homes due to a viral global pandemic.  I’m sure soon it will not feel like a dream and it will be my reality but for now I’m still trying to wrap my head around it.

I get it… believe me, as a physician married to a physician working the front line, I really get it.  We need to social distance, we need to home school, we need to cancel all events, we need to shut down the economy to save lives.  But, I still don’t “get it.”  There’s so many layers happening.  We need to protect ourselves and each other and rather then fighting a war outside, we are being asked to fight this one from our couch.  It seems like a simple enough task, but so many of us are having a hard time.

We are being asked to cancel life events that we’ve been planning for months or years, we are being asked to home school our kids with no experience but fortunately with the help of amazing teachers virtually, we are being asked to distance ourselves from loved ones, we are being asked to give up our livelihoods and stop working, and some are being asked to risk their health so that they can provide essential care.  I get it…but it doesn’t mean we can’t be sad about it…all of it.

My son just had a bar mitzvah.  There were 10 people there; our Rabbi and our closest family. He was called to the torah… via zoom, he was watched by our friends and family…via zoom.  It was the most surreal and beautiful experience of my life.  It was the best worst case scenario.  Over 100 people watching and supporting us virtually.  Nine days before the event we were having a catered luncheon at our house with a photo booth and a game truck and slowly over the week as news of Corona pandemic spread we were asked to only have immediate family at our synagogue.  During that 9 day period, I was in denial, I cried, I bargained, I gat mad…I finally accepted and we tried to make it the most positive experience for our son.  We forged on and called it the “Barred” Mitzvah.  We made it work, and made some incredible memories.

But here’s the key element to my story;  I. Had. To. Mourn.  I had to grieve the fact that my reality had changed,  I had to mourn that what my son envisioned for his special day, for a day he worked so incredibly hard for, was not going to come to fruition.  And that’s ok. Many people applauded us for being positive, but before the positivity, came the overwhelming sadness and sense of loss.

Don’t skip that step!  We have all lost something, whether or not you had to cancel an event, our reality changed overnight. And in the end, we all need to be positive and look at the beauty of it (yes, there is beauty in it!), but before that we must mourn the loss of the reality we had a brief time ago.  We must let ourselves feel the grief, we must let our loved ones feel the grief and then get to a place of acceptance.  I have overwhelming gratitude for the way our son’s bar mitzvah turned out but it all came with time and perspective.  Give you and your loved ones grace and be okay with feeling sadness and grief, go through the stages to get yourself to acceptance and hopefully to the place of joy and love. One day at a time.

Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming.  All we can do is learn to swim- Vicki Harrison

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Faces of Womanhood

adrmomandablog

We have a photo wall in my house of black and white pictures from different important stages of our lives.  I love the pictures, I love how the wall looks, and I stare at it often.  It’s on a wall between our 3 bedrooms and the laundry room, so let’s just say…I pass by it…a lot! Sometimes I take a moment to really look at it, not just fly by, and I usually just look at the kids but the other day I stared at my face in each picture.  No idea what prompted me to do that, I hate looking at myself in general let alone analyzing a photo of myself but each face told a story and this is how it went.

My Wedding Day:
I was ecstatic!!!!! It was hands down the best day of my life.  It started with the usual stresses, but the wedding was immensely fun!  The picture is of me with my husband during our first dance.  I’m beaming with a smile ear to ear…I’m truly happy.  We had no time to choreograph our dance, we were barely in the same city, let alone the same room before we got married.  But I didn’t care how lame we looked just holding each other and swaying like teenagers.  I was married to the love of my life and I was the happiest girl in the world!!!!  Plus I felt like a princess in that wedding gown!

The Birth of Thing 1:
It was exactly 7 days after he was born, his Bris (a religious circumcision ceremony).  Probably the most stressful event for a new mom.  In the picture, my husband and I were holding him and kissing the top of his head.  I look terrified! A complete look of self doubt and uncertainty. Am I holding him too tight, too loose, is he okay, will he be okay, what happens if he cries, what happens if he doesn’t cry, is he too hot, too cold?  I literally was worried about everything and felt responsible for every single emotion he may be having.  And I was certain I was going to mess it all up!

The Birth of Thing 2:
The pictures were taken 2 weeks after she was born, Thing 1 was 2.5 years old. My husband and I had a house, a mortgage and 2 kids and I felt like a real grown up.  We could actually afford a fancy studio photographer, and fancy birth announcements.  I now had 2 little people counting on me… and I was… exhausted.  In this particular picture of the 4 of us, I looked impatient.  I looked like I had a fake smile and I remember thinking, please everyone just look at the freakin camera…just one decent picture.  Hoping my naked baby does not poop on me. Hoping Thing 1 doesn’t tantrum and refuse to be in a picture, hoping we can get the perfect birth announcement…..Thinking:  Just keep it together people….!

So then I thought what would my current self tell my past self:
On My Wedding Day:
Remember this day and this feeling forever!  The love you have will literally carry you through some dark times.  You will be challenged, beyond the point you think you can endure and you will doubt yourself… a lot. Some days will feel like it’s too hard to keep going.  You will walk through fire, sometimes alone, sometimes with your husband by your side, sometimes him holding you and sometimes you holding him.  But you will come out the other side holding each other and completely in love! You are stronger than you think.

The Birth of Thing 1:
You have so many doubts, everything in you is unsure and worried. That’s okay, your son doesn’t see any of that.  He doesn’t care if you nurse him or give him the bottle. He knows you love him with all your heart and loves you right back.  You’re his rock, the one he comes to when things go wrong and you figure sh*t out and tell him it will be okay.  And he believes you ’cause you’re mom.  You got this, and…You are stronger than you think.

The Birth of Thing 2:
The next couple of years will be tough.  You will feel like you will never have your sh*t together… again…like ever! Your kids will get hurt and you will feel like the worst mom ever.  Sh*t gets real.  But things get better, they always get better.  You walk through fire again…and again…and again, but you get through it, stronger everytime.  You will meet many guardian angels throughout the way. In many different forms, just be open to it, to all of it. Life is messy and unpredictable and so hard for your controlling personality but you gotta let it go girl!  Just let it go and enjoy these fleeting moments.  They don’t last.  Be present and don’t worry about the perfect picture, the memory behind the picture is so much better….Oh…and you’re stronger then you think.

You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think- Winnie the Pooh

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Dear Patients

adrmomandablog

Dear Patients,

We have failed you.  The medical system that you deserve no longer exists.  The time of personal relationships, long conversations with your doctor where they learn about your family and you know about theirs, those times don’t exist. Current visits are timed to the second.  If you or your doctor are 5-10 minutes late the whole schedule is thrown off. If your doctor has to deal with an unexpected emergency, you will likely be waiting for quite a while and your doctor will have no control.  If you book a visit for a cold there is no other topic that can be mentioned, not even if you have an acute concern.  For that you must schedule another visit because of the delicate and overbooked schedule.  Nothing could be squeezed in.

No, I cannot look into your other child’s ear, my schedule is booked and I can’t squeeze him in, I’m sorry.

But just a quick peak, you plead.  And here’s what runs through your doctors head:  what if the child has a another illness and I don’t fully evaluate them and miss something serious; what if I miss something and get sued, I’m not documenting this visit; what if they have an ear infection and I need to write for antibiotics…how will I find the time without delaying every other patient today?

This is the reality of medicine today.  I would love to spend 30 minutes with each patient and let them chat and answer every possible question they may have.  To reassure them about every vaccine, to tell them all the wonderful things they have to look forward to, and to assure them the guilt and doubt they feel is normal and they are actually doing a great job.

But the insurance companies only allow for 10 minutes at best, maybe 15 for a well child visit, and many visits are double booked. The result is doctors that are overworked and having a harder time caring.  Because if we cared the way we did when we started, if we cared the way we wanted to, if we cared too deeply, we would break so much faster than we already are.  We would not be able to withstand the onslaught from administrators, insurance companies,  and patients while maintaining an income to pay the overheard and our bills along with our student loans.

I too have experienced this as a patient.  I experienced it when my daughter’s pediatrician asked us to book a longer visit next time if I needed to discuss another issue with her.  I experienced it when my own doctor refused to see me when I was 10 minutes late because I drove to her prior office by mistake.  Even though she had canceled on me at the last minute the week before.  I was upset but I completely understood the delicate nature of the schedule.

Dear patients, we have failed you and the medical system has failed us.  We want to be there for you in every way but it has become physically and emotionally impossible.

The physician should not treat the disease but the patient who is suffering from it.-Maimonides